I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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