so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
