meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
