He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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