Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.