the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
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she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
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All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?