If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He shit in the fireplace
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
