He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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