soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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