tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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