I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
