here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
