we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
