I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
