Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
