I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
17 People Reveal The Reasons Behind Their Foot Fetish
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.