So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover