he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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