That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
