If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
