When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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