Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize