i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
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Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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