remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Mom said you looked used
I stole a fireplace last night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
