Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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