I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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