that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
