Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
