the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
