if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
