she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
