omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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