just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Holy sore nipples Batman
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
