It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
