he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
