I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
