I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
