The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
