I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
