Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
