im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
