Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
