Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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