I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
His nipple licking is glorious
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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