my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
