watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
