i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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