i wish my penis had a tongue
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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