Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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