I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
