If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
