Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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