Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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