Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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