if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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