I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
