i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i've created a new STD.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
