Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
