you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
