Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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