i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
