I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
